Ok so as some of you know from Twitter, I fell out with a friend of mine, Angela. When all that shit happened with our landlord and the central heating broke and we were left without a boiler. I called her up cos I was sick and very distraught over everything and basically she was less than simpathetic resulting in causing more distress. This is not the first time she has made me feel generally uncomfortable and she has a habit of say, 'I don't mean to be rude BUT' and then says something really RUDE. She seems to think that it's ok to voice her opinions regardless of the other person's feelings. She is rarely tactful and has the attitude that if you can't take it then bugger off. Which is basically what I did. I'd had enough of her bitching at me and about other people who I was friends with. Not to mention that she is openly racist. Why was I friends with her? Because she is genuinely a good person, she just has a loud mouth and isn't afraid to hurt people. Her friends aren't immune to this. Anyway it had been two weeks and I had told her that I wasn't happy with her and apart from a few txts I hadn't heard from her. She has a new Gf and had gone awol for a while anyway. But then she calls me on Sunday out of the blue and left a voice mail cos I was on the train and there was little reception. I didn't listen to the voice mail and deleted it.

Then yesterday my friend Anna bumped into her and found out that her ex, who she still lived with died on Saturday afternoon. Lisa had been a long term alchoholic and finally it had caught up with her. Her body shut down and her organs failed. I was in a bit of a dilemma yesterday as what to do, whether to phone Angela or to leave it. But I went with my gut and went down to the place where I knew she'd be. I was going to hug her and be the friend that she hadn't been for me. She was at a friend's house, so I didn't want to knock on the door as it was her friend's place of work. So I sent her a txt message saying that I was outside. But she didn't come to the door. I called but it went to voice mail. I waited 10mins then went as I had to get Tom home for dinner. Then she called when I'd gotten back into Blackheath, she was sobbing on the phone saying that she couldn't believe that she had gone etc... I know this sounds bad but I couldn't help but feel that it was all very hypercritical as before Lisa died, Angela never had a kind word to say about her. I know she must have loved her somewhere deep down and to watch someone die is a horrendous experience whether you liked the person or not. I wasn't sure what to say to her really, I was still pissed and she started talking about what it was that I was angry about but I just told her that this wasn't the time and we would talk about it some other day. In the light of everything, this wasn't important. I offered my support but Angela is a stubborn person who doesn't like to show emotions so I wasn't expecting it to be accepted.

I keep thinking about Lisa, I can't quite believe she has gone. I didn't know her very well but I could see that without the drink she was a good person. At least now she is at peace. No more demons can chase her and she doesn't have to keep failing to give up the booze. Where ever she is, I hope that she is happy and doesn't have to struggle anymore.
 
I am not sure where I stand with Angela right now. I saw her this morning but briefly, she was in a rush to see other people and is taking the rest of the week off to deal with the arrangements. Again I offered my support and said that we would be there if she needed us, also I asked if she could let us know about the funeral. I'd like to go, even if it is just to offer my support. I think we both should go but I am not sure how our respective works would be about the time off...

RIP Lisa...

Ok my work laptop won't accept scripted windows so no cut today, sorry...

I feel like I am living in the past, one step forward and then two steps backwards.

I just binged... And now I hate myself. But then I've hated myself for a long time and not just at this moment.

Felt like crap when I woke up this morning and people keep complaining about ridiculous self inficted BS. 

I should be patient but I am sick of it. I am sick of the complaining and feel like shouting, grow the frak up and take responsibility for your own life cos no one else will.

God..

I feel like... Like my journey has been stagnant but I have come so far and now I am on hold but for what? I can feel my old life tugging me backward and sometimes and I just so tired that I just want to give up.

Some times people are so selfish, they can't even see past themselves. Why should I give a frak? But I do...

I worry that is, that this whole this is not working. If I can't control it then I will be back to square one again, do I have the energy to do this all again?

I miss the people who walked away. I miss the drama, the angst, the pushing and pulling, the passion, the aching. Cos it was all of that that made me feel alive, but it wasn't good, it never was and never will be. Doesn't stop me missing it though. I will never be forgiven and maybe I won't forgive either but it's still there... I can feel it, hear it, taste it.

I feel my muse, I need her back, I want her back. Why won't she come to the surface?

I am coming home soon enough but why is it not soon enough? The Autumn always reminds me, the smell of the air reminds me too, the cold coming...

And that is all...

Thanks to Cherylynn, I now have a shiny new animated SHELDON-centric mood theme installed! *Loves it SO much!* Made by feelingalittle 

Ok so most of you know I've been doing Lighter Life for the past seven weeks. After being weighed each week you participate in a group therapy session to understand the reasoning behind why you have become over weight or why you over eat. Each week you work through a four week module book with different activities inside and you work through these during the meeting and then you will have set homework to do during the week ahead. At the moment I am on week two of my second module book which is about transitions. Using techniques from transactional analysis which are designed to help you make transitions more easily and help you to think of more helpful way in managing your weight.

Week twos activity is called Life Line and it is designed to help you understand where in your life you first noticed a problem surrounding food, eating or weight issues. I found this not only interesting but useful in recognising when and where the problems arrose.

This activity is merely for my own personal use and to record in my journal.

( The things you learn... )

I've been writing this bit by bit for a while now...

( long post! )

• 21:54 @isabelhelen Nell, my fave Natasha movie! #
• 14:06 @lockets24 Ah well! Think of me Sunning myself in the Garden whilst baby sleeps! #

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• 19:13 Right let's see I've been called Bolshy and Aggressive, Argumentative and now apparently I think I can treat people like shit. Thanks Mum! #
• 19:15 Why can I not just be the bigger person and ignore it?! Why do I feel like I have to stand up for myself? Why can't she just accept me?? #
• 19:27 @loopyallie I think I am, unfortunately my mother doesn't like people especially her daughter speaking her mind and standing up for herself! #
• 19:29 @loopyallie Oooh Baby Mama! Tina Fey! :-) #
• 19:29 @isabelhelen No my Mother does, I live in London! #
• 19:31 @halfbloodme Yep I agree! I hate the way she puts me down ALL the freaking time! Enough Already! FCOL! #
• 19:33 Oh and she doesn't like me talking with my hands! WTF? #
• 19:56 @loopyallie I know someone on LJ who would challenge you to that title! #
• 19:56 @halfbloodme I couldn't agree more! #
• 19:56 @sammyjayne74 That's because I don't, thanks hun! *hugs* #
• 21:12 @lockets24 Yep, you know it! *hugs* #
• 21:20 Seriously want to cry right now but I don't want to give the fuckers the satisfaction! #
• 13:08 Man my hips are killing me today, don't know why its worse today! #
• 15:46 Laying on the beach in the sunshine! Ah this is the life! #
• 16:37 @lockets24 ah but you are going to get £250 my dear! #

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